One of My Biggest Mistakes Made Me Who I Am Today

25 years ago today, I made one of the biggest mistakes in my life! I flew to Las Vegas to marry Tim, the father of a then 7 year old daughter, Beth.

It had been a whirlwind “romance”. We met in February. Tim proposed on July 8th. Five days later the three of us flew off to Vegas. It all seemed perfect. An instant family.

The perfection started to unravel shortly after the wedding…I mean literally a couple of hours after. Tim, left me with Beth to go play some poker. Hmmm, really? We just got married. We were staying at a hotel that had a kid’s place for guests to drop off their kids for a bit. But he didn’t take advantage of that.

So, Beth being 7 and full of energy, she was BORED! I decided to take her shopping at the shops that were in the hotel…it was the MGM. She was eager to get out of the hotel room. Off we went. Yay, a win or so I thought.

Beth had learned manipulation skills from her father’s mother. My ex MIL was and probably still is the queen of drama and manipulation. Anyway, we shopped for a bit and got a snack…but the fun ended quickly when I had to tell Beth no. She wanted to go into the carpeted area of the casino floor. If you are underage, you can’t. I explained it to Beth.

Cue the “tears”. Cue the drama. Cue the manipulation. I had never seen this side of her. Standing in the middle of the lobby of the MGM, she proceeded to scream that I was not her mother. That she wanted her Daddy…I would later learn that she only used the word Daddy for manipulation purposes…and she melted into a puddle on the floor and refused to get up and walk.

Here I am on my wedding day dealing with a meltdown. Thankfully my teacher skills kicked in and I won this battle and she walked back to our room with me.

When my new husband arrived back in our room, the drama started again. “Daddy” and “tears” all over again. I let Beth get it all out, expecting Tim to ask me what actually happened. Nope, he started blubbering over her. Wait…she’s 7! I’m the adult. I started trying to talk to him about the situation and Beth wasn’t having it. She cried even louder…I’m using the term cry very loosely. No real tears were ever shed.

Our wedding day should’ve told me all I needed to know about how the next 11.5 years of my life were going to go. But, ever hopeful, I thought it was just the stress of the situation. Oh boy was I wrong.

The next 11.5 years were full of manipulation, emotional and psychological abuse at the hand of my ex husband. I know you are wondering why I stayed 11.5 years. That’s easy. It was because of Beth. Yes, she was a manipulator, but it was a learned behavior. She had no stable female in her life because her father refused to let Ann, Beth’s mother in her life. It was a mess. Tim refused to let me even meet Ann. Absolutely no communication between us. Divide and conquer the Brandenburg way!

I could not leave knowing what I would be leaving her with. Tim had become a functioning alcoholic and drug addict in law school (that’s a story for another day). Had I not stayed, Beth would not have been able to continue school with her friends…again, long story for another day.

In those 11.5 years I learned survival skills. I learned I was stronger than I ever thought I could be. I learned to protect myself. But, eventually I learned I deserved better. I learned that I did indeed have value no matter what my attorney “husband” said.

When I decided to leave, Beth was legally an adult. She had graduated high school. She was enrolled in college. I felt it was time to do something for myself. It. Was. Time.

Of course, Beth’s wheels fell off. It hurts my heart that she has followed in her father’s footsteps of drinking and drugs. Yes, I had some guilt concerning Beth’s situation. But I also know that she was an adult. She is making her own choices.

I’ve said all of this to say, because of those 11.5 years of hell, I am the survivor I am today. I’ve always been an empath, but because of those hell years, I believe I am more empathetic. Because of those years, I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Sure, I’m still “Warm Jello”, but I have strength behind those tears. Because of those years of hell, I know I deserved much better than I was being given.

There’s so much more to my former life and I will write about it later. But for today, I’m going to say that although those years were a living nightmare, I am thankful that I was there for a little girl who needed someone sober and stable. I hope one day, she will get clean and remember who was there when her father wasn’t.

Because of those 11.5 years, I am who I am today.

Peace to you and yours!

lp