When My Plans Aren’t His Plans: Lessons in Surrender

In these last 17 months I have had to learn to surrender. By surrender, I don’t mean giving up. I mean handing over the reins…not being in control…not knowing what was coming next. If you know me at all, you know I am a planner…which is code for a control freak!

My lesson in surrender began on July 29, 2023. That is the day my Mom died. My world was completely turned upside down. My plan had been to get another 10-12 years with her, laughing and making memories. His plan was that her mission here was done and it was time for her heavenly reward.

My next lesson came the next week…our pup Dasher wasn’t himself. I knew in my dog Mom heart that something wasn’t right. Three different emergency after hours vets gave us 3 different diagnosis…none of which were actually correct. It took my cousin, Rodney just a few minutes to figure it out. He gave us our options. We took some time to think it through. In the end, we surrendered Dasher to Him. If I’m honest, I truly wanted Dash to stay with us no matter what we had to do…but, I heard in my heart that it wasn’t fair to put him through surgery only to have to let him go anyway…so, through my tears, I surrendered him to God! My plan, keep Dasher with us. His plan, heal Dasher in heaven.

Two days later came my next lesson in surrender. August 11th, I had an appointment with our family attorney in Purcell to begin working on Mom’s estate. We had planned to go for the weekend, but because he had lost Dasher only 2 days before, Bixby stayed with Wilbur and Wyatt. They were struggling without Dash. I went alone. I was so nervous. My plan, go with my husband and have his support. His plan, He would supply the support.

On August 11th, I arrived at Mom’s house alone for the first time since she died almost 2 weeks prior. As I unlocked the door and walked in, I could tell someone had been inside the house. Unfortunately, I only had a few minutes to get to town for the appointment after walking through to see if there was any visible signs of entry or damage. My plan, breeze in and out. His plan, lean on Him to see me through this situation.

I told our attorney that someone had been in the house but, I didn’t think much had been taken. He said to call the sheriff anyway to make a report. My plan, let it go. His plan, document and a paper trail.

When I got back to the house, I called the sheriff and a detective came out. He could not have been more kind. Detective Tucker used the word “respectfully ransacked”. I asked what he meant. He said when someone makes entry into a home to steal things, they don’t care how they leave the place. When a home is respectfully ransacked, things are gone through, but the house isn’t trashed. Detective Tucker asked if we had any alienated family or friends. As a matter of fact we do! My plan let it go. His plan talk to the suspect. That suspect called me a week later and left a voicemail…I deleted it without even listening to it…it would’ve been all vitriol and lies. My plan preserve my peace. His plan be my peace.

My birthday in October was a lesson in surrender, too. It was difficult. We went to Mom’s for the weekend, as we had already planned prior to her death in July. My plan was to power through the weekend. His plan: soak up the last birthday in that house. Savor it and remember all the birthdays past.

Thanksgiving turned out to be much more difficult than I ever expected it to be. Grief brain fog is a real thing. I hadn’t really realized I had grief brain fog, but looking back on it now…I definitely did and to some extent still do. Anyway Thanksgiving 2023 was a lot. I was dealing with grief on multiple levels. We had gone from 3 dogs to one…poor Wyatt was so confused. My FIL was coming because it was his year for Thanksgiving…because it was Mom’s year for Christmas with us. Add to the mix adopting not one but two puppies and you’ve got chaos and anxiety with a hint of depression. My plan was to power through no matter what. His plan was for me to realize I cannot do this on my own. I survived it only by the grace of God.

Christmas…I surrendered it all to him. I couldn’t even face the thought of Christmas day without even getting to talk to my Mom. My plan was to cry all day. His plan was to provide peace in my heart that surpassed all understanding. Yes, there were tears, but not the all day cry-fest I was expecting.

2024…I struggled with the new year more than my birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas combined! It was because I was headed in to a year that Mom wouldn’t be a part of. My plan was to stuff my feelings of anxiety, fear and depression down and just ignore them. His plan was to provide friends to truly listen to my feelings and assure me I was not alone.

Mid January, we made a trip to Maine to begin working through if we were actually going to try to move. I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing…the move…my plan keep ruminating on it. His plan was to show me the beauty that was to be ours and to fill my heart with a peace I hadn’t felt since Mom died.

In the spring, I held on to the reins of control. My husband had been denied twice for a straight transfer of office location within the bank. Talk about disappointment. After 8 years of hard work they just didn’t care…or so we thought. My husband told his manager that he was going to start looking for a position outside the bank.

Mother’s Day weekend, I attended a retreat at my church, St Gabriel Catholic Community. I had been asked to be a part of the prayer team, but I truly felt lead to just attend. The title of the weekend retreat was Holy Spirit 101! I was excited, but cautious. I had been so angry at God, I wasn’t sure he would be excited by my attendance. I had several friends attending as participants and more friends were a part of the team. I settled in my chair…front row…it was like I wanted to make sure God knew I was there. Anyway, that Friday evening flew by. I didn’t want the evening to end. On my drive home, found myself talking out loud to God. It was more pouring my heart out to Him. I said to him, “I give up trying to make this move happen. I know you have a plan for us that is far more than what we can imagine. If this move to Maine is what you want for us, swing the door wide open. If you want us to stay in Texas, we will stay. I love my church and my friends.” That was it. I handed it over. I can honestly say that in my 58 years (at that time) I had never fully surrendered to Him…ever! It was freeing.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, my husband is “loaned” to another team within the bank. He’s done some work with them in the past. He was excited to have the opportunity to actually use his data analytics skills while on “loan”. About a week into this “loan” he’s approached about applying for a position that had just come open within this team. Neither of us thought anything about it. He thought about and decided to see what happened. He went through the WHOLE process. Interviews with HR, the new team, etc. it took a week or so, but he got the offer. The offer that would allow us to move to Maine! He soon found out that his now former manager reached out to his now current manager with the news that my husband was about to begin his job search outside the bank. Dave couldn’t risk losing him. My husband was valued…and valued greatly. Surrendering this to God at the beginning of May, provided this new opportunity by the end of May! My plan, see what happens. His plan, show me what’s going to happen!

The next lesson in surrender, selling Mom’s house and property. This one was difficult, but He showed me that He was in control. I had someone who wanted it…he had wanted it since he had heard Mom died. In the beginning, I struggled with letting it go. I felt close to Mom there. But, slowly, as we brought things back to Texas with us, it didn’t feel like Mom’s house any longer. It was just a house. But, it was HER house. I held onto it. It was like the last link between the two of us…but that really wasn’t true. We are connected in so many other ways.

When our move became evident, I reached back out to the potential buyer and his realtor. I told them I was ready to sell, but I was having trouble finding someone to work with me on having an estate sale…me being in Texas and the house being in Oklahoma. Anyway, the buyer told his realtor, now my friend and realtor, to ask me what I wanted for everything. I took a day to think about it and to talk to my husband and my besties. We came up with a number.

After walking through and seeing what all needed to be done, we came down on our price and made a deal. Within 3 weeks, the house was sold and we closed. My plan, get my price. His plan, preserve my peace at any price.

The next lesson in surrender, selling our Texas house. I really didn’t want to be involved in it at all. If you know me, that is NOT like me at all. Remember, control freak? Anyway, I busied myself with packing and completely surrendered it and told God to walk with my husband through it. And you know what? He did. It sold quickly. My plan and His plan, get it done so we could move. I’m learning!

My next lesson in surrender, leaving my framily and my church. This one was so very difficult. My framily and church had been my support system for the last 17 months. I knew in my heart that God had provided us with the opportunity to move and that knowledge gave me peace. But, I was concerned about leaving my people. Side note, I was planning a return trip in 18 days of leaving Texas…a sister does what a sister needs to do! Anyway, I had to surrender my worry and rest in the peace He had provided. My plan would’ve typically been to fret and worry…borrow trouble. His plan, provide a peace in my heart that I couldn’t deny.

In these last 17 months I have learned that I have been wasting my time trying to be in control. Yes, I still have my plans, but I am not obsessing over how to control everything. I know Who is in control. His love for me is far beyond anything I can imagine. His plan for me is better than anything I could come up with.

When this blog topic first came to mind, I sat with it for a bit. I’ve thought back over my now, 59 years. Part of me wishes I had learned how to surrender to Him earlier. But, I also know that I wouldn’t be who I am today, had I not been through things as they have been. So, instead or ruminating over it, I am going to give thanks for the lessons I learned before I gave in to surrender and for the sweet lessons I have learned from complete surrender.

Peace and blessings to you and yours!

lp