Thanksgiving…Another First

We are entering into what used to be my favorite time of the year…the holiday season. But here we are traveling this grief journey. I. Don’t. Like. It.

Tomorrow will be the first major holiday where absolutely everyone who has known me from my first breath is gone. GONE. That thought entered my mind on Monday morning. It hit like a Mack truck. It took my breath away. It brought the tears and I let them flow.

I had done so well. There hadn’t been tears…not tears that fell…they welled up, but I never let them fall until I couldn’t stop them on Monday morning.

You may be wondering what the trigger was…well, it was sausage balls. I was making sausage balls to have ready for when my FIL arrived Tuesday. That’s when that thought…you know the one…hit…just as I pulled out my Mom’s recipe.

That wave started out as heartbreak…then I couldn’t catch my breath…and then…anger. Yes, anger…because the reality once again slapped me in the face…the reality that I am alone…those that had been with me from my very beginning are no longer able to be with me. I. Am. In. This. Alone. I know some of you reading this will say, “You’re not alone, Lori. You have friends. You have Bixby.” Yes, you are right I do have friends and I do have Bixby. However, I don’t have those who made me…me!

Yesterday, it was a pumpkin pie recipe. Mom’s recipe. The truck struck again, only this time, I didn’t have time to deal with the emotions…we had to get to the airport to pick up my FIL.

If you know me at all you know I’m big on a couple of things…1. Kindness (thanks, Mom) and 2. Thankfulness. I post my thankful things everyday. The last few days have been difficult for me to be kind and thankful. I told my lifelong friend on the phone yesterday that I was trying everything I could to keep from being ugly. Because she has known me since I was just over a week old…she knew it was a difficult day. Just hearing her voice helped to break through the grief that had consumed me. She called to do a couple of things…check on me…encourage me…and see if I needed to come for Thanksgiving. Thanks, Pammy Jo! That’s 58 years of friendship and love!

Today is the day before Thanksgiving. I decided to do what Mom always did. I made her shoe peg corn salad. I put it in her Tupperware bowl…like she always did…and I cried when I went to close the lid and saw her address label. I let those tears fall. I screwed up my mascara and I didn’t care. I am grieving those that are important to me and are no longer here. I. Am. Grieving. And that’s OK…even if I’m not.

So, as we all move through this holiday season, be aware that those you come in contact with may be dealing with something you have no idea about. Treat them with empathy and kindness. You never know, you may be their bright spot in their grief journey.

Peace and Blessings to you and yours!

lp