Two Years of Navigating Life Without You, Mom

Today, July 29th marks two years of navigating this life without you, Mom.

So much has happened in these last two years. Babies born, friends have died, happy things, sad things, catastrophic things. I still catch myself thinking I can’t forget to tell you whatever it is that is happening. Then the gut punch hits and I remember I can’t call you any longer.

I often wonder if you are proud of how things were handled, if you can see what Caleb is doing at the house and if you can see just how much they love the place. I wonder if you can see our new house in Maine…if you see my tears as I open boxes that hold family treasures, especially letters I had written to you decades ago. My heart melted when I saw that you had kept them all these years!

In the early days of this grief journey, I didn’t think I had the strength to go forward. It was a true struggle. The grief. The anxiety. The depression. I’m still struggling with these things, but they aren’t as crippling as they were 2 years ago. I can laugh without guilt now. I can find joy now. There are moments of peace. I can sleep now.

I’m in several grief groups. New members always ask when things will go back to normal. I always hate to be the one to respond. There is no going back to normal. This is the new normal. One where we, the grieving, learn to put one foot in front of the other. Taking the days a minute at a time. If we are lucky, we learn to give ourselves grace.

Giving myself grace was a huge deal for me. I had to unlearn some things that I had been engrained in me during my 11.5 years of hell with Tim. But I did it. I decided I was worth the work. I learned that how I was feeling was just as important as how anyone else was feeling. I learned that I didn’t have to do anything on anyone else’s timetable. I learned that it was ok to have difficult days and on those days it was ok to cry! I learned that asking for help was ok and that it was not a sign of weakness.

When I find myself struggling for more than a day, I hear you gently whisper to me to gather my spizarinktum and get going. I hear you tell me I come from a long line of strong women and it’s ok to struggle, but it’s not ok to stay there!

It’s especially comforting to me to when I find a penny. Thanks for those! I have them all in a little crystal bowl! Keep them coming, Mom!

I still find it difficult to believe that you are really gone since it happened so unexpectedly expected! But, I know where you are. I know I will see you again. I can’t wait for that day! But, until then, I will continue to try to make you and Daddy proud!

I love you, Mom!

lp