{"id":155,"date":"2020-06-25T21:12:58","date_gmt":"2020-06-26T02:12:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/?p=155"},"modified":"2020-06-25T22:16:07","modified_gmt":"2020-06-26T03:16:07","slug":"i-may-just-have-to-crawl","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/index.php\/2020\/06\/25\/i-may-just-have-to-crawl\/","title":{"rendered":"I may just have to crawl…"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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    Out of the Darkness Walk-Dallas 2018\u2026let\u2019s be honest, I may just have to crawl\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    SUICIDE <\/strong>is up close and personal in MY STORY, MY TRUTH, MY REALITY<\/strong>\u2026not only have I rubbed elbows with thoughts of suicide as a young adult, I have witnessed it\u2019s brutal carnage up close. I\u2019ve watched loved ones struggle with the demon: friends, family, loved ones\u2026my grandfather committed suicide before I was born, 2009 my baby brother, in high school a friend, last year my student, plus numerous attempts from nieces, nephews, cousins\u2026yes this is MY REALITY\u2026SUICIDE<\/strong> knows no boundaries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I never imagined I would find myself here sharing my story, my truth, my reality but here I am. This is something I thought I would keep to myself forever because it is private, personal and quite frankly at times it still hurts. Yes I understand grief \u2013 I have lived it and yes I have done the work but reality is that grief is messy and I miss the hell out of my baby brother!! That\u2019s MY reality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    This is my story from the inside out; it\u2019s MY TRUTH<\/strong>, my view, from where I was at the time. Others may have different truths and realities because we were in different spaces and connected to my baby brother differently but one things for sure we ALL lost a part of ourselves that day. I had to find a new normal because my soul was CRUSHED<\/strong>\u2026never to be the same\u2026to ALWAYS<\/strong> be missing someone who was to be here with me in old age\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I remember every single detail, every moment, every surreal moment, conversation, ringing and buzz of the phone, the seconds, the minutes, the days\u2026yes for us it was days. Two in the afternoon March 23rd<\/sup> I get a phone call, \u201cHey Trish, did you get a text message from Paul?\u201d Just a minute let me look,. \u201cOMG<\/strong>, yes, have you talked to him?\u201d Nope, G hadn\u2019t. And instantly my world was changed and I knew \u201cIT\u201d<\/strong> in my gut. (I still have that phone and always will\u2026 the text message is still on it\u2026\u201dTell my kids I love them and Pleas forgive me.\u201d) That\u2019s how my baby brother told us he couldn\u2019t take it any more\u2026the reality we found out later was devastating but in that moment when I read it, I knew it. Gut deep I knew it but I couldn\u2019t believe it. I start texting him\u2026\u201dHey bubba what\u2019s up, talk to me.\u201d And of course I call his phone ad nauseum. I call my dad and uncle so they can text and call as well. No one can get a hold of him. NO <\/strong>response\u2026ABSOLUTELY NOTHING<\/strong>!! Police say he has just run away from home. Yeah, hmm, they don\u2019t know my brother\u2026no way, not the case.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    So to keep it together and be that ever steady and strong person, I spring into action (or maybe it was reaction to keep from loosing it). I get a map and draw a circle of where he could have driven in 6 hours (our estimation) and divide out areas for each family member to start calling the hospitals\u2026yep that\u2019s what I do\u2026take action.  Get up, go to school and work, conversations with G (seemed like every hour) text and phone, still texting and trying to call my brother\u2026no response. Get home set up a spreadsheet with the areas and hospitals so that we can all start calling the next day to check the hospitals for unidentified injured males matching my baby brother\u2019s description. Go to work the next day and I am numbly teaching a keyboarding class on the AlphaSmarts to Mrs D\u2019s 3rd<\/sup> grade class when the dreaded phone call comes. She and Mrs. H know that if I answer my phone I may have to leave immediately.  Phone rings, it\u2019s G and I stepped in the hall and asked without hesitation \u201cDid they find him?\u201d to which the answer was a short yes and I asked \u201cIs it what I think it is?\u201d and again a short yes. I stepped back in the class; I am sure my face was gray and I choked out the words \u201cI have to go.\u201d  The rest of the whirlwind, blur of which I will spare you the details was a struggle I wish upon no other person ever but suffice it to say all families struggle to put the pieces together. Some are more graceful than others, some are messy, some are perfect on the outside, some fall apart\u2026ours did the best way we could given the circumstances and experiences we had to lean on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I owe so much to the strong, courageous, generous, kind family and friends who held my hand, cared for me, listened, cried along side me and so much more\u2026the journey took me to places I never thought I would go\u2026Mikey, RT, G, my kiddos, Mrs D, Mrs H. and sooo many more!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    So with this small glimpse into my story I want you to know that I\u2019ve grappled for the last 3 years with doing the Out of the Darkness walk; FEAR <\/strong>sets in every time and this time is no different\u2026I worry about so many things-<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    • Is it right to ask my friends to donate?<\/li>
    • It is 16 miles and you are out of shape girl.<\/li>
    • What about all the judgments about your brother again \u2013 I just CAN\u2019T<\/strong>?<\/li>
    • I don\u2019t want to walk alone-yeah I know there are thousands walking but reality is I\u2019d be walking alone (16 miles in my own head \u2013 if I make it).<\/li>
    • Can I really raise the 1,000 to actually be in the walk?<\/li>
    • People will know your business\u2026and that makes you vulnerable and could be seen as weak.<\/li>
    • Oh the list is long peeps\u2026<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

      So you see all my irrational and maybe not so irrational fears come out but I am asking those who feel led to give to do so. Thank you for your love, thoughts, prayers, and consideration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Epilogue <\/strong>– Well to be brutally honest I did not make the walk that year. I struggled and let fear stop me in my tracks. I still found ways to grapple, struggle, scream, kick and fight my way through but I haven’t completed the Out of the Darkness Walk, YET.<\/strong> But I will…when I am ready.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      Out of the Darkness Walk-Dallas 2018\u2026let\u2019s be honest, I may just have to crawl\u2026 SUICIDE is up close and personal in MY STORY, MY TRUTH,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":161,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[6],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/My-baby-bro-1.jpg","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/155"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=155"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/155\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":166,"href":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/155\/revisions\/166"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/161"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=155"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=155"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loveyoustrong.us\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=155"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}