How Can Life Move at Two Speeds at the Same Time?

Grief is an odd thing. On days that you think you will melt into a puddle, you don’t. You power through. Then there are days like today, where you melt from a familiar smell. Today marks 14 months without my Mom…my first best friend.

This morning while walking past our guest room, I caught a whiff of my Mom. It’s possibly impossible. Let me explain. Yesterday we made a trip up to the house for the last time to gather a few treasures we had decided that we truly did want. So, we brought things home that Mom had loved and touched. They held her scent. But, I’ve smelled her on other days when we’ve not just come from the house. I’m beginning to think she comes to me on my tough days…tough moments, I just can’t see her. At least I hope she does.

14 months ago, I wondered what I would do every day at 4pm when I would normally call her. It was a struggle in the beginning. Eventually, I just started talking to her. Out. Loud. Hoping against hope that she has the ability to hear me…but also hoping she’s so busy up there that what’s happening here is an afterthought. I’m sure some will think that’s crazy…let me tell you, grief will make you think you’re going crazy…but you’re not! You are learning your new way of life. You are learning to survive. You are learning to cope. You are learning to put one foot in front of the other. You are learning to breathe air so heavy your lungs ache. You are learning to live with a huge hole in your heart.

14 months seems so long, yet it’s gone so fast. I can honestly say I am not who I was 14 months ago. I think back over these last 14 months and I’m not the only thing that has changed. So. Much. Is. Different.
People I trusted are not who they appeared to be. That’s a post for another day. Things that I once thought I couldn’t live without turned out to be just things I was holding onto to try to keep a grasp on my Mom, my Dad, the life I lived with them. Through much prayer, God revealed to me that my relationship with my parents was so much more than the things I was desperately trying to hold on to. He reminded me that we were happy to just be together whether we had little or we had much. He reminded me of all the memories I have locked away in my heart that will carry with me always. Does it help to know these things? Maybe a bit.

I’m learning to live my life at my pace in this grief journey. I’m learning that even though I am warm jello, I can do hard things. I am learning that two emotions can coexist. I am learning life can go fast and slow at the exact same time and I can survive it.

Peace to you and yours!

lp