The Way Maker

Recently, I’ve gotten my faith back. I guess I should say I’m comfortable with my faith again. It was never truly gone. It was just a distance away.

When Mom died, unexpectedly-expected at the end of July, I struggled with my faith. I was shocked that a loving God could and would blindside me with the death of my Mom, my first best friend. Following the shock and numbness of it all, I became angry. Yes, I was angry at God! I struggled to pray. I felt like I had been abandoned by God. The reality was, I had abandoned Him.

It has taken many weeks of attitude adjustments on my part and just sitting with my hands open calling out to Him to help me in my grief. Little by little, He has been revealing things to me.

I wanted to know why. Why Mom had to died when she did. Why she was alone at home in her bed. Why I didn’t get to be there with her as she took her last breath. WHY! I have always been taught that I should never ask God why. I did it anyway. He knew that the only way I would ever be able to find my way back to Him was to reveal some of the why.

My journey back to him began about 8 weeks after Mom died. I was sitting in the adoration chapel at St Gabriel. I was “praying”, if you could call it that, that God would take the weight of grief from me. I had had a heaviness in my chest since Kelly called to confirm that indeed my Mom was gone. It felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest. When I left that chapel, I was a bit lighter. My chest wasn’t as heavy. It was a bit easier to breathe. Thanks for the relief, God!

In the weeks since, I have thought back through everything since Mom died. I’ve seen glimpses of Him being there without forcing His way back into my heart.

He has begun to answer my questions. I asked why that day and He answered, “Her mission here was done and it was time for her to come home!” Home. It made me think about when my Gran was dealing with dementia. She lived with Mom for the last 2 years of her life. Gran would tell Mom that she wanted to go home. Mom would take her in to town to her house. That didn’t satisfy her. She wanted to go HOME! Mom is home with all of our family that had gone before her…especially my Daddy. 19 years was too long for them to be apart.

I learned from members of her Sunday School class that Mom (and the rest of them) had wanted to go in their sleep and at home. This had been discussed in their class years before when one of their friends was suffering in a nursing home/hospital setting. None of them wanted to go through that! She got it the way she wanted it.

Last night He and I were talking again and I asked why I couldn’t have been there with her when she took her last breath. He clearly said, “Because she would not have come to Me had you been there!” I can believe that. We were a package deal. I can also see that Mom would have thought witnessing her last breath would’ve been too much for me. That is probably true! This mess has been difficult enough as is!

In the weeks since I found my way back to Him, I have reflected on the many ways He has always been with me and I’m noticing everything He is doing for me every single day.

This past Thursday, He showed up BIG! We were struggling to get home from a getaway to Maine. First it was a weather issue so we got an extra day in Maine. Second, it was a mechanical issue with the inbound plane…that caused us to overnight in Philadelphia. American Airlines gave us a voucher for a roach motel…I mean literally from the reviews on Yelp, it had bugs. Anyway, while in the air we were discussing what our options were. We thought we would have a little time to go to the Admiral’s Club and grab some food…we hadn’t eaten since breakfast…we landed at about 7:30pm…found the club, grabbed some food and Bixby started looking for a hotel option. The first thing that popped up was a Marriott that was attached to the airport. Literally attached by a covered walkway across from terminal B. Guess which terminal we were flying out of at 5 the next morning!?! Yep, B! So he booked it.

We walked over to the hotel and got checked in. They could not have been nicer. We got to our room, showered and crashed. The alarm went off at 2:30. We checked out before 3:30 and started the walk over the walkway. When we got outside the hotel doors I could see nothing but a sea of people! Terminal B is the only terminal with security open that early. I took a deep breath and thought we’d be ok because we have TSA PreCheck. Bixby wandered up toward the front to see if we were in the correct line. Yep, you guessed it…there is only one line. Terminal B doesn’t have a PreCheck line. I begin to pray and ask Him to make a way. The line began to move slowly. There were only 2 agents working. We get to a divide, one line going one way and one going another. I asked what the difference was and was told there’s no difference. We soon discovered that the difference was the length of the line. The line to the right went straight to an agent. The line to the left, our line wound around twice. My heart began to pound. By this time it was 4am. Our flight was to begin boarding at 4:25. We wound around the first corner. There was an empty TSA checkpoint. EMPTY. I kept praying that He would make a way. I looked at my watch…4:06am! I just kept repeating, “You are the way maker, promise keeper!” There was a group of 4 college aged girls ahead of us. The last one just passed the empty checkpoint when an agent appeared and opened the checkpoint! Bixby was first through and then me! They gave us a card saying we were precheck and didn’t have to take shoes off or any of the other stuff. I was praising Him all the way through the X-ray machine! Our bags shot through the scanner machine. I looked at my watch 4:09am! For the first time since walking out the hotel door, I think we are going to make it. Then I find out our gate is all the way at the opposite end of the terminal. I asked Him to suspend time so that we could get to our gate. If you know me, you know I have a bad knee…walking fast isn’t something I can do easily. But guess what!?! I did and my knee was fine. We made it to our gate. I looked at my watch, 4:16am! He made a way and we made it!

All the way back to DFW I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude. I had found my way back to Him…although He had been there the whole time!

Peace and blessings to you and yours!

lp