It’s the Most Miserable Time of Year…
Where do I begin?
Let’s start with a question most of us ask all the time…How are you? It seems easy enough, but for those of us in the midst of a grief journey, that’s a loaded question. You see most of you asking the question really don’t want our honest answer. You want the typical response of, “I’m fine.” or “I’m OK.” The truth is, we as grievers are not fine and we are not ok, especially this time of year.
I did a little experiment to see how people would respond if I told the actual truth. Not surprisingly the askers didn’t really want to hear that I’m a hot mess or that I’m struggling with the holidays. They were uncomfortable with my honest answer. Let me say, I am so very thankful for my circle of friends who let me cry and support me without judgement. Some of them have been in my position and some of them have not. Either way, they truly want to know how I am and they do not recoil when I give them my honest answer.
I’ve thought about this for a while now. As a griever, I’ve decided I’m not going to sugarcoat my feelings to make anyone else comfortable. It should be the norm to actually listen to the response and to show some empathy, kindness and compassion. But, it isn’t. We as a society need to take a long look at ourselves and make some adjustments. I know I’ve been guilty of this in the past. For that, I’m incredibly sorry.
It’s especially difficult during the holidays. Those of us who are experiencing our firsts without our loved ones, are hurting. While we don’t want to rob you of your holiday cheer, we want you to be aware that we are missing an important piece of our lives for the first time (or maybe the 50th). We are trying to go on with life, but it’s so very difficult.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this…if you truly don’t want to hear the honest answer, please don’t ask. I’m sorry if my grief makes you uncomfortable. I’m the one trying to navigate this grief journey. I ask that you come alongside me for support.
So, how are you? Please respond in the comments. I’d really like to know how YOU are!
Peace and Blessings to you and yours!
lp
Hi, Lori –
We know each other in the context of a church choir. More recently, I am aware of your loss of your mother…profound loss.
So, the last thing I want to do is tell you it’ll be alright, I feel your pain, or any other bullshit. The reality is that hole in your heart…and THAT will, I’m sorry to say, likely always be with you — though it may lessen with time.
Instead, I’m inviting you to talk about your mother — her foibles, her peculiarities, her grace…and your love for her.
You may do so publicly, or via email exchanges. Your choice. What I do NOT want you to do is to bottle it up.
Our species have engrained in our DNA the need for storytelling, to honor our loved ones who’ve crossed the veiled threshold.
So…my humble “challenge,” if you will, is to write it all down, and share it. It’s raw, and fresh, and painful. But I promise you, it will give you illumined clarity, and help you in ways you can’t, at this moment, imagine.
Trust me, Lori. I’ll go on this journey with you, if you wish, and I will bear witness to all the ways your mother graced your life.
I wish only peace and love for you. You deserve it.
Your friend,
Carl
Thank you, my friend! I’m planning to do just that…tell Mom’s story! Peace and Blessings! lp
Oh Lori, I do dearly love and miss you. So wish I could hug you, hold you and listen. Reading what you write takes me back to my journey. You are correct that each journey is unique to us and most will not understand until they experience it themselves. You just take your time and give yourself some time each day to concentrate on it….then tuck it away so you can continue moving forward. Love you my friend!
I miss you!
Love you so much!
Peace and Blessings!
lp