A rambling post today…

Well I have been gone and MIA for a hot minute but today I come to this safe space to bare my soul. I can’t (well I won’t) post this on my social page because my words may cut to the bones of others who are still so raw. I am thankful for this blog space – my safe space to share. Today may be a bit of a rambling but I have to let what rests on my soul escape. The empath can only hold in for so long and then it must come out in some form or another so today I write, I release what is hanging over me.

March Madness brings basketball and fun for many but for me a it’s another strange unsettling that washes over my soul. I never really think about it…I just feel in a funk. Then WHAM it hits me right upside the head. Duh, it’s March!! Well this March brings 12 years without my brother (March 23, 2009 to be exact – suicide sucks) and it also brings a different kind of unsettling this year that makes me both sad and pissed – yeah pissed is the right word.

Twelve years in and I still find it so hard to believe that you took your own life. Damn it why did you leave me here? Damn it, I don’t want to do this crap and I need you here to hear me and say the right things or to just sit with me or walk in the woods where we grew up best of friends…I want you to calm my fears, hurts and pissedness!! I’ve held my tongue, bided my time, squashed my words, thought of others, made sure to value their feelings – always wanting to heal their hurt. Well today I am pissed. Pissed because I am the sister that doesn’t “get” to hurt. Pissed because I am the aunt who doesn’t have “feelings” or so they think. Why do others feel soo entitled to express your hurt and anger but cannot see another point of view. Why when I reach out to another soul in need my own feels like they didn’t get what they “needed or more likely what they feel entitled to? Why do they get to say “my feelings are hurt and I’m not over it” while I am supposed to be “okay”. “You did more for them than you did for me.” Well guess what this empath is standing her ground – right is right and you are not the only one in this world. I have done more for you than you can imagine or much less care to recall. You are mad because I post comments to another who has lost not only her father but also her mother…HOW DARE YOU…yeah I’m in my PISSEDNESS now!!! And as I write this, I realize this is more likely jealousy; jealousy spurned by my caring about and for another individual. Wow this breaks my heart that you cannot allow others who have faced a tragedy much like yours to be loved. I have enough love for all…it grows as we share; it dies as we constrict it. Maybe I need to make amends but for now I’m the one not ready. I’m still wrapping up my pissedness.

BEWARE – jealousy is an ugly monster that eats from the inside out. It is like a cancer that steals today of its joy while depleating our reserves for tomorrow. Yes you lost your daddy – so did she and she lost not only her birth mom but the mom you still have. And please remember I lost my brother…my baby brother. UGHHHH I am not good with the ugly feelings and pissedness.

March is a different kind of madness for me…my soul is unsettled and I hurt too. I wish my baby brother was here. I wish things were different. I wish you could see the pain and still know the love is there. I wish that siblings were “allowed” to grieve and not told to hold it in because the spouse, the kids, and the parents are more devastated than you. The reality is I miss my brother… he’s the one who knows my childhood secrets, we share a bond that is never broken even while you are in heaven. The reality is I get to grieve my way – even if it comes and goes for the rest of my days here on Earth. I get to miss you and hurt. I get to process my grieve and not feel guilty that while others are grieving in their way, I may not have the “it” to give in the way they want “it”. I get to decide that I will not take on that which I do not own. You own your feelings and I own mine.

For those who have lost a sibling, I SEE you, I FEEL you, I AM you…I will continue to strive to reach the lost and hurting. I will heal and forgive and be ready again. I will not take on the weight of guilt, shame or any other negative that flows from anyone…I will not spill vile hurtful words to you to make me “feel” better…because I know it only creates more hurt, brokenness and in my case pissedness. I choose to let it go…

May healing flow, may the positive lift our souls, may our words comfort!!