Wishes

I’m usually pontificating about my day, my brilliance, my observations, my woes, etc. on Facebook. Haven’t been posting so much and really thought I’d be doing a lot of that here – like daily – on this site. Oddly, haven’t put much here yet, but I have been writing daily by hand, with pen to paper. It’s GREAT therapy! This spring and summer, I’ve actually done one class and am working on a second to help enhance my writing and explore and grow my spirituality.

It’s been the perfect time to dig deep within, examining past events, how they made me who I am and why I am. Good and bad. Events and situations. Personality strengths and flaws. What I can and can’t and could and couldn’t control. How I really feel, what I really think – about things and about people I love and people I don’t love. What I believe and don’t believe. Things I know and don’t know…..so much soul searching!! I’ve turned one of the bedrooms into an office – my office. It’s my creative space. I have a secondary space where I write and study as well, it’s where I am now, the couch in the living room. It’s “my spot”.

I have a lot of comfort and peace in my life at just over a month away from 54 years old. I started thinking the other day about wishes that did and didn’t come true. They are part of how I got here. Wanna look at a few? I thought you might.

Here’s a few wishes that didn’t come true.

Horses.

I wanted to have horses from the earliest age I can possibly remember. Rode my stick horse, slapped my leg and galloped when I didn’t have stick horse. Dreamed of it. Wore my parents out about it. Read everything I could about them. Read every book that had stories about them. Checked out the same library books over and over – favorite authors at that time included Marguerite Henry, Anna Sewell, Jean Slaughter Doty, Sam Savitt. I did horses as a 4-H project, where I went and learned all about them even though I didn’t have one. Horse posters covered my walls. Breyer horses – I still have them, are pictured above. I traded babysitting for English Riding Lessons. Spent hours trying, albeit pretty unsuccessfully, to draw them. The old western “Fury”, about a boy with a stallion who loved him, was my favorite TV show. In fourth grade I wrote my first poem, it was about horses.

But I think I knew even back then horses were more work and more expense than I’d ever really want to take on. A childhood dream – YES!!! Adult reality – a resounding, peaceful, and content no. The bathroom just off my office is slowly becoming “The Horse Bathroom”. My Breyers are there. They remind me we can enjoy the dream. It might not come true, but remembering how much joy was there pursuing the dream made it so worthwhile. Sometimes it’s about the journey.

Being a Vet.

Along those same lines, I decided as a youngster I was going to be a Veterinarian! I learned how to spell it. Read all about parasites and such. I convinced myself that if a horse or cow broke a leg, I could fix it where all other stupid vets would put the animal down. I could save them all. Through the library and having parents on board with having animals, I had dogs, cats, chickens, a duck, goats and I’m probably leaving something out. Through 4-H I learned about many other animals I didn’t have – the aforementioned horses, cows, rabbits, pigs and sheep. I could give dogs and goats shots and oral medications. I was going to go to Texas A&M and be a vet.

Somewhere about my Freshman year of High School, and I really can’t remember why, maybe a leadership something or a state contest of some sort (old lady brain), I had the opportunity to tour whichever department at the university I would like to tour! Veterinary Medicine it was!!

It wasn’t long into the tour my lifelong dream was almost nightmarish. I found out there was blood, guts and poop involved. Don’t have the stomach for innards. In my years of extensive research and fantasy, I’m not sure how I missed that was an integral part of animal doctoring. But the second half of the day I ditched the vet tour and I was much less queasy touring the education department. No vet career for Dana.

As I have taken each of my dogs to our vet over the past two months, and especially after them “having the talk” with me about 14 year old Shaver’s aging and health, I realized it was yet another blessing of unanswered prayer. I couldn’t have that chat with people about their pets on a daily basis. I couldn’t help pets cross the rainbow bridge often, or see them sick, injured, suffering or mistreated. I’ll settle for having pets and the heartbreak as it happens. I suspect the wish that Shaver lives forever won’t come true either, but we’ll just cross that rainbow bridge when we get there. He’s good for now.

Spousal choices.

This one’s a biggie. I dodged a couple of pretty serious bullets in my opinion, thanks to wishes that didn’t come true. When I loved in my youth, I was much like I am now, in that I loved STRONG. All my eggs went smack dab into one basket, and went in quickly. If I had a boyfriend at any age, in those moments in my heart, it was forever. I was going to marry him, have a career and a family and live happily ever after. If I had a crush or a dream fella, same deal. We were going to be devoted to each other forever. Donny Osmond better be glad he never came to Princeton – for a long time I really believed we would be together forever. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

So, when break ups with boyfriends happened – whether he did it or I did it – it was pretty tough. My whole future would disappear, just shatter into a million pieces. It’s just who I was. And looking back, those devastating disappointments were what saved me.

One, for example, I dated in high school for a little while and then again several years later in college. It was serious, I even had a “promise ring” pretty quickly into the college romance stint. Sweetest guy you’d ever want to date. Handsome. Gave me flowers and gifts galore. Drove almost 4 hours to see me nearly every weekend and called me nearly every night long distance.

But.

When I was accepted into a 4-H exchange program that would send me to Sweden for 6 months, it didn’t sit too well with him. Just before I left, he gave me an ultimatum. Him or the trip. I gave him his ring back and had an amazing 6 months. Three months into my trip, he married someone else. I knew then I had made the right choice.

College boyfriend at EOSC the year before that one I KNEW was Mr. Right. I look back now and know that I even knew then he wasn’t. But at the time, I convinced myself it was “the one”. I adored him. Handsome. Super Baptist Christiany – which I was trying to learn about and be better at. He could sing. I was head over heels. Like me, he was a hard core Dallas Cowboys fan. He gave me his Danny White jersey, better than an engagement ring in my book. We were going to name our first kid Roger Daniel – for Roger Staubach and Danny White (Cowboys Quarterbacks for you people who follow the wrong or no team!). He was going to be a coach and I was going to be a whatever I was going to be at that particular moment and we were going to live in Oklahoma.

So he graduated from the two year school we were attending (I was a year behind him) and I went to Michigan for the summer to be a camp counselor. I pined away for him all summer long. I slept in my jersey every night. Rarely went out at night or on weekends. We wrote letters. He sent me a cassette tape where he dj’d songs to me like a radio show. It had songs on it that to this day take me back to my listening to it over and over in my room. When I got back to EOSC, then made a trip home after a couple weeks, I stopped to surprise him at his apartment in Durant. His roommate let me in and was expecting him any time. Roommate and I hung out for a bit, but when my boyfriend didn’t show up, I asked him to hand me some paper and I’d just leave a note.

He handed me a spiral notebook that belonged to the boyfriend. I opened it. On page one, there was doodling. “Which will it be KS or DP?” “BF+KS” “BF+DP” “DP ❤ BF” “KS ❤ BF”

I felt like I had been gut shot. Devastated. I asked roommate what the hell and who was KS, likely in more colorful terms than that, I don’t remember exactly. He was mortified and replied, “You don’t know? I am SO sorry! He told us you knew he was seeing you both and he would just decide when he was ready. We honestly couldn’t figure out how you could be so stupid! I really thought you knew!” I responded, “Well, I will make it really easy on him.” And I wrote a short note on the same page, saying I just made the choice for him.

I drove the final two hours to school crying, probably 50/50 anger and sadness. I rounded up my 3 best buds and of course completely fell apart on them. They were – and are – the absolute best people to have on your side.

I’m not sure whose brilliant idea it was, but we loaded up and got back to boyfriend’s apartment just after dark. Armed with shaving cream, toilet paper and Vaseline, we decorated his Buick Regal. Nothing damaged, just a mess. And in the interest of full disclosure, we also let all the air out of all four tires. Yes, that’s the psychogirlfriendbullet he dodged probably as well. We drove back to campus and a mutual friend said campus security was looking for us. we laughed, we knew it wasn’t true, but it was his way of letting us know who did it. I never heard from him or spoke to him again. He married KS, lived in Oklahoma, became a coach, then principal, maybe more, I haven’t stalked in years. They had at least one kid, named after him.

My life would have been so different. I like the life I I have. I adore my husband, my children, our wonderful life, our 30+ year love story. It’s the best. I wouldn’t trade it. 1986 wouldn’t let me see that 1989 would hold the true gift of love in my life.

Wishes that did come true!!

Soulmate and Family!!

We’ll start where we left off. Most of us dream of finding our soulmate. I would see/go out with/go steady with several others before meeting Andy. It wasn’t until I decided I was going to be single for my entire life and had made peace with that, that Andy and I got together. I had been looking too hard and compromising too much before then. We found each other, began to build a life together, got married, raised a family and at the end of each day, we still want to be together and share our time together. That’s a real wish that came true, that I give thanks for daily. And it’s someone that loves dogs as much or more than I do AND he picks up the poop. I call that a win!

Career Choices!

Sometimes you have to reach back a little ways and find or remember dreams that came true and recognize blessings that were right for you. For instance, I remember vividly wishing that whatever career choice I made, it would not entail having to wear a dress and hose every day. I had an office job when I met Andy, where I did that – every day. I figured out pretty quickly that I liked the work, but I was so uncomfortable with what I wore, it ruined it for me. It’s funny that now it’s 30 years later, I’m an office administrator, but wearing jeans and boots (my frequent high school attire) and I love my job. I love the diverse challenges it presents me on a daily basis, and I never get bored!!

My other favorite job, besides being a mom and what I do now, was a dream job I wanted since about the age of 10. My dad was a member of the United Auto Workers union. We had the opportunity, I think in 1977, to go to the UAW Family Education Center in Onaway, Michigan for two weeks. My parents stayed and had educational and fun activities at the main center, while I stayed in a chalet and had summer camp activities on Camp Hilltop. What a GREAT time for a kid! Two weeks of camp activities with other kids from all over the US. Sue was my camp counselor, and I thought she was the greatest person I had ever met. I wanted to be a counselor there. Badly.

And sure enough, after I had my first year of college under my belt, I flew to Michigan for the summer and did it. I skipped the Sweden summer, but then did two more summers. What an incredible experience, where I made more lifelong friends, had incredible adventures with diverse adults and children, helping me see the world more clearly through the eyes of other ages and cultures. Major impact on who I am today.

Trees!

I like thinking about the simple wishes and dreams of a child. We had an aunt, my great-great aunt, who lived near a resort on Lake Texoma. When we would go see her, there was a stretch of road where the trees grew over the road, almost forming a tunnel. I always thought it was the most beautiful landscape to be seen. When my grandma moved to Oklahoma, there were a couple of roads we drove down that were the same. The dirt was red, but the beauty of the tree tunnel ceiling was equally beautiful, and somehow comforting. I wanted that. I wanted that so badly when I grew up.

And I have it. Driving in and out of my place daily, I travel through the most beautiful tree tunnel one can imagine. I’m sure the UPS and Fed Ex delivery people don’t love it as much as me, they seem to squeeze through in places. But it’s beautiful and comforting, just like I dreamed it would be.

Siblings!

As a child, I also wished for siblings. Took a while for that one to come true. At the age of 12, the stars aligned, and we adopted my little brother. The day we picked him up was, up to that point, the best day and event of my life. At 14 1/2 my little sister was born. That one tied for best day and to that point! I not only had siblings, but I had one of each. Life was complete. For me, anyway.

Hero!!

As a youngster who loved horses (remember that from about three days ago when you started reading this blog?), my favorite song on the planet was, of course, “Wildfire”. I dreamed, prayed, wished on stars and blew out birthday candles that someday…..someday…..I would meet Michael Martin Murphey, the singer and songwriter of that song. I even promised I would break up with Donny Osmond for Michael Martin Murphey. To have him sing that song in person…..I’d have given anything.

As an adult, I got to hear him sing that song in person with a small audience, met him, had my picture made with him, and my amazing husband bought me a silver bracelet that day that reminds me of that great memory. But that’s not all. As I writer for Buddy Magazine (a Dallas area Music Magazine), I actually got to do a 40 minute, one on one telephone interview with him. He was everything I had hoped for. Kind, friendly, compassionate – well, not everything. He was married and so was I. But I’ll happily take “close enough”.

Final wish for YOU!

My wish for you is to stop and take some time to think about those wishes that did and didn’t come true. Some of them may be a little painful, but you may see a clear, silver lining. Some of them you’ll be so very grateful for. I am grateful. So grateful.