THE UNRAVELING
Well I’m a definite work in progress right now…I can’t bring myself to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard…12 day drought on writing but overwhelmed with emotions that I just can’t capture in this moment…tears mess up the ink on the paper and tend to make the computer keyboard spark…I am reading and appreciating all the inspiration and love flowing from very amazing individuals…inspiration is here, buried under tears and will flow again once my grappling and unraveling commence and regroup-dare I say re-assimilate as coherent thoughts!! I think the title is already written…THE UNRAVELING…yep I will write again and here it goes…
The unraveling comes upon me at different times and is triggered by a multitude of emotions. Loss SUCKS, racism BASSACKWARDS (a Patricia-ism I’m sure), fear GRIPPING, hurt SOUL-SUFFOCATING, intolerance BAFFLING, hate MIND-BOGGLING, rage EXTREME and I’m sure I can come up with a hundred other emotionally charged words that are floating in the air we breathe. But I digress.
Let me take you on a journey of sorts, a journey of my unraveling…I could start at my youth but today, just today I want to share my recent unraveling. You see as an extrovert-empath (yes I know some of you will find this an oxymoron but hang with me) I feel to the depths of my soul. When you hurt – I hurt, when you cry – I cry, when you shrink – I shrink and yes, when you bloom – I bloom. I can’t tell you why God made me this way, He just did. I cry at movies, real or not, because I FEEEEELLLL the depth of pain like none other. I laugh a loud boisterous laugh because I FEEEEEELLL joy like no other. So know that while I am an extrovert, I gather my unravelings and hide awhile to recover from ALL that comes to me as an empath.
Some do not believe in empaths and I’m okay with that…but I know deeply that we exist and are here for healing reasons. We can wait awhile with you and lighten your load, listen to what is not said with the mouth but with the eyes, the body, the nod of the head and the energy emitted from the soul. So yes this week and during this pandemic season for that matter have been an unraveling. You see my Uncle Floyd who’s like my dad (in my heart and mind) is dying. Yes he’s lived a good long life but you see I’m selfish and unraveling. I don’t want him to go (damn tears are coming again-ughh damn leaky eyes). I can barely see to type. He is in pain and ready to go home to our maker but I’m not ready to let go. Yes I know I should be but I’m just not. Today he makes the decision…dialysis yes or no. I don’t yet know the decision and I’m not ready for it either…I’m pretty sure my heart and soul knows but I am not ready. I’m unraveling as I type…so this wriitng block is really an emotion block (a self-protection of my tender soul), a block of having to feel but today I’m unraveling and letting it flow.
LOSS SUCKS!
Concomitant unraveling in a small town, not just any small town but a backwoods, bigoted place. A simple call, an easy favor, a short ride to take my nephew home in that small town…peaceful and easy, right? Nope, say it ain’t so…it’s yet another unraveling. My nephew (by marriage but once you’re my tribe, you’re my tribe) tells me of a horror NO ONE should ever endure, I cry. He tells me of a day at work where several white men hang him from his heels by a chain, pull him up high and laugh and call him the “n” word (nope I can’t even say it nor write it…I just can’t). Yes he is bi-racial and beautiful and crazy, and pretentious and loved. Yes sometimes it is tough love but this, this unraveling should NEVER have to come but it does. I cry, get pissed and decide actions will come…I don’t do small thinking, hatred or bigotry well at all. My unraveling comes again…I just can’t, I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I can’t process, I just can’t.
RACISM BASSACKWARDS.
These two “small” events for some are unraveling for me…it is who I am…I feel the depth of pain and hurt, of joy and love but for today, just for today I’m grappling with my unraveling.
Tomorrow is yet to be seen…I pray for beauty, peace, healing, protection, grace and more for each soul facing an unraveling of sorts.
SIDEBAR: I am okay, I promise…my old roomie used to get worried by my unravelings but let me clarify…my unravelings are part of feeling deeply and that includes all emotions. It’s who I am. I take my unravelings and process, grapple, grow, change and emerge stronger and maybe a little wiser, sometimes. But I will always emerge from my unravelings…it’s who I am, it’s how I move through this world of uncertainty. It’s how I also feel love, joy, passion, contentment, and happiness so deeply.
Thanks for sharing your UnRavelings. It’s encouraging to hear how they get you ultimately to a better place. There is so much in this life that is so unfair. Probably one of the hardest things to get used to as a human being. BTW – I truly admire Empaths….yall humble me & make me want to do better!
Thanks CindiLou…its’s so ironic that I just read an article about how a person can have all these emotions and things happening and be happy…it is true!! I appreciate your kind words!!
All I can say right now through my tears is I love you and I know you are hurting. I’m sorry you are hurting and yes, life is sometimes way harder than it should be. I am praying for better days for all of us. LYS, sister.
LYS sista…you are an amazing woman and I am honored and happy to call you friend!! Joy always comes in the morning…I love strong and hard and wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂
Thanks for sharing that, for putting that out there, for the universe to feel and hear. Someone once told me you can’t help how you feel. Having grace for that is a good thing. You get to feel how you feel about all this. Letting it out and sharing it with us, as good as it is for you, is even more so for us. In your struggle, you are giving to others by acknowledging it like this. So we can feel you. So we can grasp some of our own emotions and know we aren’t alone. I’m grateful to walk this life with you. I’m always hugging you. Always here to cry with, laugh with, or go kick some ass with. Always loving you strong. Always. 💖
LOVE you STRONG my sweet blessing in this life!!! I almost didn’t post because I was like whoooaaa why am I posting all these emotions LOL…but it is definitely cathartic and necessary…we can never move past pain or hurts until we grapple with them. Grapple seems to be my newest fav word lately LOL 😍 You are my tribe and you’re stuck with me😁 🤪 😜 I promise some happy, happy writings are on the way they are a percolating in my mind. Some new photos soon and some old stuff too LOL…gotta love it and live it!! MUUAAAHHHH
Unraveling is healing…so just let it happen. It’s natural. I know it’s hard, but just feel it for a little while, then release it. You already did by sharing it. I’m a bit of an empath too and I understand the toll it can have.
These times we are experiencing now are very overwhelming for people like us. I cannot even begin to understand the world right now. I have to ground myself in things I love and just look for the next best feeling I can get.
LYS ❤️
Thank you so much Tracey!!! LYS and yes we do have to feel it and sometimes hide away to collect ourselves 💖😊💖
Oh Patricia…
Thank you. Thank you for this open, honest, and raw sharing of YOU.
“Unraveling”, I understand this…I also understand what you describe when you say “extroverted empath”, I FEEL this, and love this description.
I send you loads of love, peace for your spirit, and comfort for your heart during this unraveling period, with regards to your uncle. Loss is so hard when we love so deeply.
With regards to your experience with your nephew…
have mercy, my heart breaks, tears fill my eyes, and I hurt for you, for him, and for our world. How horrendous, terrifying, maddening, anger-inducing. The emotions you’ve posted are ones that have filled me, Your story takes me back a few years when my then 8 year old nephew told me about his day. I picked him up from the bus stop to take him to one of his favorite after school snack places. As we drove to the restaurant he told me he’d been hit in the face on the bus. I asked him to repeat his story once we could look at one another eye-to-eye, so we could really talk (and so I could SHOW him how much I love him). He told me the entire story over grilled cheese, fries, and a vanilla shake. As it turns out, he was hit, AND called “The N word”. The anger, fear, and heartbreak that filled me that day, I know you understand all too well. My nephew is multi-racial, (my sister is caucasian and LatinX and his father is St Lucian with very dark pigmentation), he’s also funny, smart, introverted, “proper”, and pretty chilled. The kids in his school had recently seen his father, thus the “N word”, and a new time of bullying (both physical and psychological)began. Eventually my sister was able to get my nephew into a charter school, where they have a true zero tolerance policy, and while the demographics are similar to the public school, the parents and kids are very different, thankfully.
Your post, thoughts, feelings, and empathy hit some major chords with me, today, so I thank you for helping to bring up a reminder of all of the GOOD I have been able to glean from those times.
LYS!
April…I feel with you…we have to be a voice, a safe place and I am thankful I was able to be that for my nephew. My 1/2 sister (we are 20 years apart and not close at all-unfortunately due to circumstances not of my choosing) has 2 boys and 1 girl. My step-mom is Thai, and the babies are Thai, Caucasion and African American. On the other side of my family we have Latino blood and we also have Native American running through our veins…we are definitely a mixed bowl of nuts and I do mean nuts LOL but I LOVE us all. Our unravelings are powerful and can help build the bridge some in the world want to chop down. LYS 💖