I may just have to crawl…
Out of the Darkness Walk-Dallas 2018…let’s be honest, I may just have to crawl…
SUICIDE is up close and personal in MY STORY, MY TRUTH, MY REALITY…not only have I rubbed elbows with thoughts of suicide as a young adult, I have witnessed it’s brutal carnage up close. I’ve watched loved ones struggle with the demon: friends, family, loved ones…my grandfather committed suicide before I was born, 2009 my baby brother, in high school a friend, last year my student, plus numerous attempts from nieces, nephews, cousins…yes this is MY REALITY…SUICIDE knows no boundaries.
I never imagined I would find myself here sharing my story, my truth, my reality but here I am. This is something I thought I would keep to myself forever because it is private, personal and quite frankly at times it still hurts. Yes I understand grief – I have lived it and yes I have done the work but reality is that grief is messy and I miss the hell out of my baby brother!! That’s MY reality.
This is my story from the inside out; it’s MY TRUTH, my view, from where I was at the time. Others may have different truths and realities because we were in different spaces and connected to my baby brother differently but one things for sure we ALL lost a part of ourselves that day. I had to find a new normal because my soul was CRUSHED…never to be the same…to ALWAYS be missing someone who was to be here with me in old age…
I remember every single detail, every moment, every surreal moment, conversation, ringing and buzz of the phone, the seconds, the minutes, the days…yes for us it was days. Two in the afternoon March 23rd I get a phone call, “Hey Trish, did you get a text message from Paul?” Just a minute let me look,. “OMG, yes, have you talked to him?” Nope, G hadn’t. And instantly my world was changed and I knew “IT” in my gut. (I still have that phone and always will… the text message is still on it…”Tell my kids I love them and Pleas forgive me.”) That’s how my baby brother told us he couldn’t take it any more…the reality we found out later was devastating but in that moment when I read it, I knew it. Gut deep I knew it but I couldn’t believe it. I start texting him…”Hey bubba what’s up, talk to me.” And of course I call his phone ad nauseum. I call my dad and uncle so they can text and call as well. No one can get a hold of him. NO response…ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! Police say he has just run away from home. Yeah, hmm, they don’t know my brother…no way, not the case.
So to keep it together and be that ever steady and strong person, I spring into action (or maybe it was reaction to keep from loosing it). I get a map and draw a circle of where he could have driven in 6 hours (our estimation) and divide out areas for each family member to start calling the hospitals…yep that’s what I do…take action. Get up, go to school and work, conversations with G (seemed like every hour) text and phone, still texting and trying to call my brother…no response. Get home set up a spreadsheet with the areas and hospitals so that we can all start calling the next day to check the hospitals for unidentified injured males matching my baby brother’s description. Go to work the next day and I am numbly teaching a keyboarding class on the AlphaSmarts to Mrs D’s 3rd grade class when the dreaded phone call comes. She and Mrs. H know that if I answer my phone I may have to leave immediately. Phone rings, it’s G and I stepped in the hall and asked without hesitation “Did they find him?” to which the answer was a short yes and I asked “Is it what I think it is?” and again a short yes. I stepped back in the class; I am sure my face was gray and I choked out the words “I have to go.” The rest of the whirlwind, blur of which I will spare you the details was a struggle I wish upon no other person ever but suffice it to say all families struggle to put the pieces together. Some are more graceful than others, some are messy, some are perfect on the outside, some fall apart…ours did the best way we could given the circumstances and experiences we had to lean on.
I owe so much to the strong, courageous, generous, kind family and friends who held my hand, cared for me, listened, cried along side me and so much more…the journey took me to places I never thought I would go…Mikey, RT, G, my kiddos, Mrs D, Mrs H. and sooo many more!
So with this small glimpse into my story I want you to know that I’ve grappled for the last 3 years with doing the Out of the Darkness walk; FEAR sets in every time and this time is no different…I worry about so many things-
- Is it right to ask my friends to donate?
- It is 16 miles and you are out of shape girl.
- What about all the judgments about your brother again – I just CAN’T?
- I don’t want to walk alone-yeah I know there are thousands walking but reality is I’d be walking alone (16 miles in my own head – if I make it).
- Can I really raise the 1,000 to actually be in the walk?
- People will know your business…and that makes you vulnerable and could be seen as weak.
- Oh the list is long peeps…
So you see all my irrational and maybe not so irrational fears come out but I am asking those who feel led to give to do so. Thank you for your love, thoughts, prayers, and consideration.
Epilogue – Well to be brutally honest I did not make the walk that year. I struggled and let fear stop me in my tracks. I still found ways to grapple, struggle, scream, kick and fight my way through but I haven’t completed the Out of the Darkness Walk, YET. But I will…when I am ready.
And when you are ready, we will raise the money together and we will walk together. Our walk will likely not be pretty, we’re out of shape. But we will laugh. We will likely shed a tear or two (my eyes are leaking right now). We will walk it together literally and emotionally. I have a semi-colon on my left wrist. That will be a story I’ll write one day. When I get brave like you. Your words are powerful here and I know this wasn’t the easiest. But now it’s out there. And it will help, both you and someone else. LYS
all I can say is LYS…I’m still having tears over all of this and I have to thank you for stirring the creative spirit I let others dampen. Not today satan, not today!! LYS
I haven’t finished my morning coffee and now I’m holding back tears. For the past 22 years I’ve grappled with my son’s death. I still can’t put suicide in the same sentence with him.
Your words took me to my children’s perspective of the day we lost Z. I did my best, through my own grief, to help them navigate that most horrible time. It upended our reality and changed our world forever.
We talk about, and around, Z but they handle me gently. They don’t talk about their memories of that day and your brave sharing has been eye-opening and heart-wrenching.
I will walk/crawl and support you to the best of my abilities. It won’t be pretty, but it will be real.
Thank you.
Paula…I am sending you hugs and lots of love!! It’s a journey none of us really want and we all do the best we can with what we know and how we are designed. I am here to talk, share, cry, crawl, and even wallow if it helps. I tell my memories of my brother with fondness but it took me 10 years to even be able to really share. I still cry at songs, or pictures, smells, and other moments that bring reality back – and sometimes reality is like a smack in the face but its real and raw and I am thankful for all I have, memories, friends and family!! LYS
I have to let out a large amount of air on to which I was holding as I read your moving, oh so moving, piece.
As I read this, and in fact as I write this, I am reminded that suicide has skirted my life, not fully entered it, but threats of it have haunted me. My friend of nearly 25 years attempted or threatened it at least 3 times during our friendship…another friend asked me to call the police, to do a well check on her, just a few weeks ago, because she was in a dark space, and wanted to go to the hospital, and the last year, a friend of 31 years sent me numerous texts reading “Tell my boys I love them, I can’t do this anymore”. She has come out of her darkness, and I now gets texts that are filled with humor and hope, but the stain of those darker texts remain.
Admittedly, I let it bang against my bones, but not go deeper.
After reading your story, I can feel a scratching that is heading deeper into my heart, reaching for my spirit, to help me begin to deal with the emotional toll that lives within in a deep cave. Your story has put a hat with a glowing light on my head, and I am now walking into the cave cautiously, with my light on “mood”. I’m not ready for “bright” just yet…but thanks to all I have read this morning, I’ll be able to flip that switch sooner rather than later.
I will help you walk that walk in any way I am able.
For now, I am thankful that you shared your story, and I am ever so grateful that Dana has brought us together.
Oh sweet April…I completely agree and am so thankful for Dana bringing us all together. Suicide, depression and anxiety are quiet little shadows that creep in and around us all in one way or another. Reading your kind, open and honest words sparked another few memories that tie to this I may just have to crawl…
My brothers boys both have attempted suicide (after this was originally written) and the gut wrenching phone calls drop to do your knees or for me completely prostrate. Thank god they both survived and are working on being healthier.
The second memory comes and goes, depending on my ability to “handle” it. It was months after my brothers death and I am a creature of habits to some degree. I never or rarely ever clear out phone numbers from my phone. Sooooo I was at home all alone, my kids all off to sports, events, friends etc. My now ex-husband no where to be found and my phone rings so loudly it startles me…I’m a big chicken of the dark (but that’s another story). I look at my phone and it is my brother calling…yes you read that correctly, my baby brother who was dead calling. I was probably near fetal position as I answered and it was my neice…her mom had given her my brother’s phone and she had called me. Well I am sure you can imagine the gut punch that was…but for now I will leave some of the skeleton’s in the closet (LOL–thank God for my sense of humor now).
Oh Patricia…
Your family has been through so much, so very much.
I am thankful to read that your nephews are gaining strength, becoming the healthier versions of themselves so that they can climb higher.
I cannot imagine the emotional tornado that phone call must have caused, wow…your niece’s touchstone was certainly not one for you, that evening. Mercy.
Humor, it is so often like our own super glue that keeps us together when we should break into 1000 shards. It has been what’s kept my family together through too many hospitalizations, doctor’s visits, and ER trips. It’s our speaking to one another in British accents, and discussing having afternoon tea, or in Russian accents talking about how beautiful the snow is, albeit icy cold.
Your humor shows your strength, and it shows your heart in a different light. That is the beauty of humor, it is not in the shadows, she comes out to play.
Wow, thank you for sharing. You let us know when that walk is and when you are ready. We will help sharing getting you funded and walk with you (I’m so out of shape too, and we may cross the finish line at midnight, but we do it together). LYS
LYS and it’s a deal!!! I am ready for the walk…it’s been a process for sure but I am ready!! I love all the support and help 💖😍💖 means a ton!!