A Mix of Emotions

I don’t really know how to begin this post. I’ve sat with your death for a week now. It came to me this afternoon that your death has brought a mix of emotions for me.

I had already grieved you when you went from Tim to Tina almost 2 years ago. You seemed to think that your transition was the key to your happiness. You had searched for happiness and peace your entire life. I knew transitioning to Tina was a temporary fix for a lifelong struggle.

Last week when Becky text asking me to call her. I held my breath. You see, I had sent a couple of text on Saturday, October 7th. The first, I sent to tell you that we thought we were about to have to say goodbye to Wilbur. The second, a couple hours later was to tell you that he had indeed said goodbye to Wibbs. I thought it very strange that you hadn’t replied. You had been true to your word…the promise you gave me when we met in the fall of 2013 for you to “make your amends” for AA. You asked me that afternoon what I wanted from you. I said I wanted you to answer me any time I called or sent a text. For 10 years, you had kept your word, until you didn’t on Saturday, October 7th.

I checked your Facebook page. You hadn’t posted anything in a couple of days. I didn’t have a good feeling about you and whatever was happening with you. I even said to Bixby, “Something isn’t right.” Little did I know how right I was. Five days later, I get that text from Becky asking me to call. I was shocked that she even still had my number after all these years…unless you left it in your note. I grabbed a Kleenex and went to the bedroom to call…bracing myself for what she was about to tell me. My hope was you were recovering from another attempt…but when Becky’s first words were, “I’m so sorry.” I got the confirmation of what my gut had told me 5 days earlier. You. Were. Gone. I asked when and how. Becky told me October 7th and then she told me how. Part of me wanted it to be an accident. It definitely was not. Surprisingly, I didn’t cry. That would’ve surprised you as well. You hated when I cried. But, like I said, I had already grieved the loss of Tim. This was the loss of “Tina”. I didn’t have much of a relationship with her. That’s not who you were to me.

Now one week after finding out you succeeded in taking your own life. I’m still so conflicted. Part of me is furious with you for taking the selfish way out and leaving Bea and Franny alone for who knows how long. Those poor pups must be so confused. Another part of me is blindingly furious with you about what this will do to Elisabeth. Did you ever stop to consider her? Did you ever stop to think what your selfish act would do to someone who has just as many struggles as you? Part of me hopes you’ve finally found the happiness and peace that eluded you since day one. I seriously doubt that you have though.

So, I’m angry at your selfishness. I’m angry that you still couldn’t put Elisabeth ahead of your own selfish needs. I’m angry that you took in those pups and then just bailed on them. I am angry. But, there is also some relief…because it’s finally done. I’ve had to have that conversation with your sister. I no longer have the dread of getting that call or text where you are concerned. Now my dread is about getting that call about your daughter, Elisabeth. I just exchanged your dread for hers.

Readers if you struggle with suicidal thoughts, please reach out. Call or text 988! Suicide is never the answer. The ripple effects are never ending.

Peace to you and yours!

lp