The Kindness of Strangers

If you know me personally, you know I’m big on kindness. Treating everyone with kindness, respect and in my case, empathy. I am an empath. In the past month I’ve experienced the kindness, compassion and empathy of complete strangers.

The first kindness I experienced was during the time I was awaiting confirmation that my Mom was indeed gone. You see, Bixby and I had just gotten back from a week in Maine with his Dad. We don’t like to leave our car at the airport, especially with all the break ins that have happened this summer. Anyway, we always use Allen Limos. This was the first time we had had this particular driver. I wish I could remember his name, but I can’t. We were in his car while my cousin Kelly was on her way to the house. In my heart, I already knew what she would find. That driver was so kind. He offered his condolences and helped Bixby get everything into the house. He went above and beyond.

The next kindness came in the form of a phone call from Madyson. She is the daughter of the funeral director in my small hometown. Kelly had told me that they would be calling me that night if that was ok…no, a funeral home calling me would not be ok…but it was necessary. Madyson called at a few minutes after midnight. I was doing laundry. There would be no sleep. Mady was so kind. She listened to me through my tears.

The next kindness came while we were at the funeral home on Sunday afternoon . One of my life long friends showed up. I had told her there was no need…but I’m so thankful she didn’t listen to me. Being wrapped in a hug I’ve known all my life was exactly what I needed. Rolanda has extended kindness to Mom and me a lot these last 5 years. Rolanda is our personal family pharmacist. She’s answered a zillion questions about medication interactions and helped me to know when Mom needed vaccinations.

The funeral home was a struggle. Thankfully, Bixby, Kelly and Paul, my cousin and Kel’s younger brother were with me. By this point, my brain was mush. I couldn’t think or even answer questions, like Mom’s birthdate. My cousins stood in the gap for me. You see, they have been where I am. Both of their parents are gone. Kindness and empathy from those who had been where I was sitting.

We went to the florist on Monday morning. Not the way my typical Monday morning goes. But again, we were met with kindness and empathy. In my mind I was wondering how was I supposed to pick out flowers for my Mom’s funeral?!? My heart was shattered. The kindness and empathy of the florist helped. Of course, Kelly was right beside me. She encouraged me to look for something that would remind everyone of Mom when they saw it. I got through it.

Following the florist we went out to Mom’s home church, Union Hill Baptist Church, to meet with Nate, her pastor. Nate spent his teenage years at Union Hill. His Dad, Barry, had been the pastor there for years. We know Nate. We love Nate. This was going to be hard. Nate loved Mom. Kelly had taken Nate Mom’s Bible on Sunday afternoon. That’s what Mom said to do, “Just give my Bible to Nate. He’ll know what to do. And if he doesn’t, God will tell him.” Earlier that morning I had stumbled upon a devotional book I had given Mom for Christmas in 2001. It was a treasure trove of information. She had written notes in it. It contained a prayer list that went back to the 90s. She had even made suggestions for things to use at her funeral. At the end of those notes, she wrote, “Thanks, Phyl”. I gave the book to Nate. He commented on the whole thing, but what stood out to him the most was her prayers for others and the fact that she always ended her suggestions with “Thanks, Phyl”. Kindness. Respect. Empathy.

During the visit with Nate, Paul’s MIL, Glenda came through. She was almost to the door when she realized that it was us. She circled back to give me a hug. It was just what my heart needed at that very moment. Kindness. Respect. Empathy.

We had to wait to see Mom. I really needed to see her. But, we had to wait because Mom’s hairdresser couldn’t get there until late Monday afternoon. You see, Monday is her day off. Shelly came on her day off and cut my Mom’s hair…Mom had an appointment for a haircut that very next day…and washed her hair and fixed it. Kindness. Empathy. Respect.

Kelly talked to Mike, the funeral director on Monday evening to see if we could come in before their official closing time. Unfortunately, no. There were things they needed to do to finish Mom up before we could see her. But, he would open early Tuesday morning so we could come see Mom before they officially opened. Respect. Kindness. Empathy.

Tuesday morning, we got to spend all the time we wanted with Mom. It was surreal. I held her hand. It was her hand, but not her hand at the same time. Madyson brought us bottles of water. Respect. Kindness. Empathy. Mike gave Kelly a comb so that we could beauty shop Mom one more time, just as we had done as kids. Respect. Kindness. Empathy.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was told later, that my biological father was across the street Tuesday morning as we left the funeral home. I wouldn’t know him if he walked right up to me. Thankfully he was kind and respectful of my feelings and didn’t approach. Bixby said the sperm donor never took his eyes off of me as we walked out of the building, down the stairs and along the sidewalk. Not. One. Blink. Part of me was upset that he would show up at this point, but another part of me thinks maybe he was finally able to apologize to Mom for the hell he put both of us through. I’m going to go with the latter. I’ll show him kindness, respect and empathy.

Tuesday early afternoon, my friend, Michelle arrived from Kansas City. Michelle and I met our Junior year of high school. We just clicked. She had just moved to Georgia from Wisconsin. She was like a fish out of water. I had been in her shoes when I moved to Georgia from Oklahoma in the middle of second grade. I showed her kindness and empathy. From then on, we’ve been friends…more like sisters.

Michelle wanted to go see Mom. So, we went. I knew it was going to be hard. So. Hard. And it was, until Ellie Mae appeared. Ellie Mae is Madyson’s doodle pup. As we were looking at Mom and talking, I thought I heard dog tags jingle. However with the lack of sleep and all the stressful emotions, I thought I had imagined it. But I hadn’t. There was a precious pup demanding my attention. She showed love, kindness, empathy and respect just when I needed it. Mady immediately came to get her, but I asked if she could stay. And she did. Kindness, respect and empathy was what Ellie Mae was giving us when we needed it. At this point, I hadn’t really realized the impact my Mom’s death was having on my husband, Bixby. I knew he was upset and had a few tears. I noticed him loving on Ellie Mae and the tears were just flowing. Kindness. Empathy. When I asked Bixby if he was OK later, he said, “No. This is hard because she CHOSE to love me.” She had shown him kindness, respect, love and empathy.

Wednesday was funeral day. Again, we got to go in early to see Mom one last time. Mom only wanted a graveside service. Nothing big and fancy. She didn’t even want to have a lunch afterwards. I think that it was as much for me as it was for her. She remembered when my Daddy passed away and his Mother insisted on a lunch afterwards. Mom and I were miserable. All we wanted to do was to go home and be quiet. So, Mom showed me kindness, empathy and respect by saying she didn’t want that. We got to tell her we loved her one more time . Mike was able to slip her wedding ring right off. Bixby put a note in with Mom. I put a baggie with all of her favorite things in it and Kelly put in some scotch tape. Mom was the queen of tape.

It was August 2 in Oklahoma. The high was going to be over 100°. My cousins had coolers with iced down water bottles. Kindness. Respect. Empathy. I insisted that those Mom’s age come sit with Bixby and Me under the awning. Lefty, one of Mom’s dear friends and former basketball teammates, almost passed out before she gave in and sat. I love those people because they loved Mom and they love me. Kindness. Empathy. Respect.

On August 6th, Bixby and I went to our church, St Gabriel the Archangel Catholic Community in McKinney. Mom’s name was going to be offered up during the prayers of the faithful. I got a preview when I watched online earlier that morning. I wanted to be there to hear it and to honor Mom. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. People that I know but hadn’t told about Mom knew and were offering their condolences and hugs. Everything brought tears. The music. Hugging my pal and her husband finally. Hearing Mom’s name during the prayers of the faithful among the dead, broke me! I leaned on Bixby. His arm was around me, my pal, Donna was rubbing my back. And I still wanted to serve communion. I felt I needed to. One of my favorite things about my faith is communion. I believe I am giving my friends Jesus. That brings me peace. So, through the tears, I gave my friends Jesus at communion. Kindness. Respect. Empathy.

When I returned to my pew, a woman I had never seen before and have not seen since, tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, “I’ll be praying for you “. Kindness. Respect. Empathy.

In the weeks that have followed I’ve been shown so much kindness from the poor customer service representative at BCBS, crying with me as I cancelled Mom’s health insurance, to the lovely lady that helped me cancel the house phone at Mom’s and even the detective what came when someone had “respectfully ransacked” the house…that is a post all it’s own.

Kindness. Respect. Empathy. They are free to give. We need to be giving them more and more.

Be kind.
Be respectful.
Be empathetic.

Peace to you and yours!

lp