LB – The Saga Continues

It’s perhaps a bit odd to start a tale with the continuation of a saga and thoughts that have already been posted on Social Media. The obvious thing would be something fresh and new. I hope our site is never “the obvious thing”!! The back story is below at the🎬 and 📷. So, if you like to have your stories in order, skip down there, then come back up here.

It’s about LB – I’m pretty sure that’s likely not his real name. He’s a Little Bastard of a billy goat who lives next door. This isn’t his photo, but it’s a good likeness. He gets out through the old and dilapidated barbed wire fence that separates our place from his. He looks similar to the picture here, except there’s no smellivision to explain how truly bad he stinks. It would seriously go right through this photograph and take your breath away. He’s rank. Because he does what billy goats do to get that way. He’s good at it. REALLY good at it. And, he’s mostly fearless and has already “locked horns with us” a couple of times. Again,

Hadn’t seen LB in a couple weeks, thought I heard him once, but wasn’t sure if it was him or another of the goats in the neighborhood. I got out with Sarah yesterday to try to find ham lunchmeat to fulfill THE one simple Father’s Day request from my husband and father of my children – grilled ham and cheese for supper. Two stores and two long lines later, resigning ourselves to settling for the ham from two Armour brand Lunchable type meals, we headed back to the house, wondering if there was any chance Andy wouldn’t notice 10 small circles of cheap ham on his Father’s Day supper (spoiler alert – he noticed, but was okay with it). Upon pulling in my driveway, I saw LB.

He was strolling up to Andy’s shop, contemplating his next move. Would he just come knock on the door again? Would he opt for trying to take out my knee? Would he take the liberty of dining yet again on the tomato and pepper plants? Or would he take a new adventure and taste the freshly painted shelves Andy had just painted for me (everyone’s spouse works on their honey-do lists on Father’s Day, right?), or would he destroy something in the shop. I backed the car up, then put it in drive, then laid down on the horn and gassed it driving toward him, hoping to scare him back through the fence. Andy did that a while back, and it worked pretty well. But it was dry the day Andy did it, so he drove all the way to the fence. It was muddy for that, so I had to stop when I reached the shop. LB stopped too.

Andy came out at this time to see what the hell I was doing, I’m sure figuring I had finally lost my mind. 😜When Andy saw it was LB, he ran toward the goat. LB started to run, then changed his mind and just stopped. Andy acted like he was going to pop him in the rear with BB gun ammo (yeah, those are BBs, but BB gun ammo sounds better) but the air BB gun and sound effects weren’t enough to deter him. Andy sort of ran at him again, but LB could tell none of us were willing to get muddy.

LB just stood there, looking at all of us like we had lost our damned minds, and you could see his wheels turning through those beady little eyes of his. “Should I just charge? Should I stroll over and hope to rub a little stank on them? Where did they move those plants? Spray paint smells tasty.” Andy went back into the house and Sarah and I back in the car to park where in my spot. As I got back out, I heard Andy cock the BB gun out on the back porch and the brave goat decided rather quickly it was time to go home, and got there with lightening speed. 🐐

Look, I get it.

He’s got at least two wives and I’m not sure how many kids. There’s that whole “grass is always greener” thing. And let’s be honest. If his owner would just take that roll of barbed wire he left on the other side of the fence and fix the fence with it, LB would be confined to his own place, and stay out of mine. It wouldn’t even be an issue that I could likely still smell him from across the fence. I can live with that. For now, we’ll block another hole.

But here’s the thing with LB. He’s too aggressive. He stinks. He fights his way though the fence next to the last part we blocked. He knocks instead of using the doorbell. He shows up where he’s not invited. Destructs plants he doesn’t need to destruct. He’s willing to snag himself on barbed wire to have his way, even if it means some pain and discomfort just to have his way. I have a soft spot for him only because I love goats, but some aren’t as easy to love as others. Kinda like humans, now that I think about it. I know. Grace is easy to give to those who really try to be good. It surely is harder for those who only care about themselves. He’s a product of his environment. It’s up to me to choose how I let him affect me.

🎬February 18, 2020 Note to all y’all. Try to keep your critters where they belong.

I survived what could have been horrible trauma yesterday – it ended up as mild trauma and inappropriate usage of my vocabulary in a massive amount. Yes, I partly brought it on myself. And as always, Bad Andy came to my rescue, saved my life, and kept me from harm until I could reach safety.

Pearl let us know there was a giant, scary, goat in our yard. Okay. Well maybe it wasn’t giant or scary, but it was in the yard. It had come through the old fence that separates our properties. I decided I would see if he was friendly and try to coerce him to go back home. He needed to not be there, encouraging my dogs to maybe bark or figure a way out to chase him.

I slipped through our backyard gate and began talking to him kindly. He walked toward me, stopped to pee on his nose (as bucks will do) and when we met, let me rub the sides of his face where he didn’t pee. A few seconds of zen.

Then he full on head butted me right by my right knee. Hard. He came at me again and caught part of my left shin with his horn just as I grabbed his other one. I may or may not have started using some foul language at this point and had him grabbed by both horns. Let me insert here that yes, he stunk to high heaven and yes, he had me smelling like him already. As someone who raised goats, this is why we didn’t keep many males around for long, or we neutered them.

Andy having seen this, headed my way to help. We decided we’d each grab a horn and drag him back to and hopefully through the fence. He was strong, and he wasn’t having it. If we let him loose, he was up on hind legs and ready to butt. After struggling with him a bit, Andy had me head back to the yard . The goat apparently didn’t appreciate my tone and was ready to butt some more. Andy wanted me to go to safety first, then he would follow, discouraging the goat to butt anymore. He got back in safely a little after me, backing up slowly and acting like he would kick the goat’s ass if he went for it. The goat believed him. And yes, I may or may not have still been using some foul language toward the goat.

It appeared the neighbors weren’t home, but I got in my car and drove straight over. I got out and knocked, but no one answered. Isadora called me and said the goat had gone back through the fence. Sure enough, I looked over and all his nanny girlfriends, having seen me, decided it must be feeding time and they all headed my direction – and I was safe, with the fence being better on this side.

I may or may not have yelled some foul words with my farewells to him as I got back in my car (yes, window down because I stunk to high heaven) and headed home to completely change clothes, wash up, and start a load of laundry.

My neighbor and I will likely have a chat soon about the cause of my black and blue head butt inflicted injuries. Folks really need to try hard to keep their critters where they belong. I’d prefer his cat stay on his side of the fence as well.

The irony? It honestly made me miss having goats. Seriously. But females. Only females. And baby goats. No bucks. And no horns.

Below is not his picture, but a pic of one very similar.

Edit: In all fairness, he was a goat just doing what goats do. Now his owner just needs to do what an owner should do – a little fence repair. 

📷May 29, 2020 Remember the goat I had a”run in” with? Little stinky bastard just tried the door knob, then was butting the front door! Seriously! His ass better watch it. Plenty of room for him on the smoker. #nothisfault #hedoingwhatboygoatsdo #heneedtodoitonhissideofthefencenotmine #woremygoatsandhoesshirttodaysomaybehesaw